How can we hold space for each other to work through our biases?

As a young ensign and lieutenant, I always looked up to senior leaders. I thought they were nearly perfect. They made wise decisions and treated their people well, becoming my role models.

As a leader, I went through many events in my career that challenged my beliefs and biases and made me better. When I say “challenged,” I refer to the times when I got it wrong, and someone guided me.

I had a young woman working for me who was vomiting quite often over several months. As an engaged leader, I regularly checked in on her and sent her to the clinic several times, suspecting she had an eating disorder, an adjustment disorder, or anxiety. Just a few years prior, I was a cadet at the Coast Guard Academy, where eating disorders and mental health issues were far too common, so it seemed like a logical diagnosis. The clinic wouldn’t diagnose her with anything more than a stomach virus each time she went. Then, one night, while on watch, I received a late-night call from her stating she was drunk and had no idea where she was. With the help of her shipmates, she was located and returned safely to base. It turns out the young woman had struggled with alcoholism since she was 14 years old. She was so dependent on alcohol that when she tried to stop, she would get sick and vomit. Alcoholism never crossed my mind. She was highly functioning during the day, never appeared drunk, and never smelled of alcohol. How could she have alcoholism? My bias got the best of me. I had never met an 18-year-old with alcoholism or worked closely with someone who had alcoholism to recognize the signs. When it all became clear to me, several of her shipmates expressed their disappointment in me. They thought I knew she had alcoholism; apparently, everyone knew but me. I felt terrible that I didn’t recognize the signs. Her shipmates looked up to me; they thought I would make good decisions and care for her, and I let them down. But we learned that leaders aren’t perfect and don’t always have the correct information, experience, or influence to make the best decisions. This is what it is to be a human and a leader. The crew also learned not to assume the leader has all the information. I had to clear the air with everyone and explain that I was in the dark as to her alcoholism. I had to be vulnerable.

This story speaks to how blind we can become because of our bias. I was very concerned about her, sent her to the clinic several times, checked in on her daily, and still didn’t see it. I was doing everything a leader is supposed to do, but it wasn’t enough. Bias isn’t just about race, gender, age, etc. Our biases don’t make us good or bad; they make us human. It is what we choose to do with the bias and the systems we set up to keep them in check that distinguishes a good or bad person.  It is also about how we handle the situation when we know bias has gotten the best of us…because it will.

Effective leaders have a growth mindset and continually work on their beliefs and biases. I have seen leaders say offensive things to others and have also been on the receiving end of those comments. In these moments, I could take a few different courses of action: address it while in the moment, address it afterward, report the issue, or quit. I admit that I have done all of these.

As I grew more aware, I noticed that some senior leaders don’t realize they are being offensive or doing something wrong. They also genuinely want to do the right thing. Much like I thought I was doing everything I could to help this woman. They want to be more inclusive and aware. But how do they get there? We can’t expect their subordinates to always call them out. Their peers and senior leaders may not be aware, either.

How do “we,” being those in circles of leaders, create space for leaders who strongly desire to deconstruct their bias, learn about other cultures, and ask awkward questions?

If we continue to attack those who have messed up and get angry at those who don’t want to grow, we are missing the mark. We must find ways to help those who wish to learn about bias without fear of saying the wrong thing. We need to hold space for those who want to step into vulnerability. This is hard work to which I compare mental health therapy. It isn’t easy and brings up emotions such as guilt, shame, and anger, but ultimately, those empathic leaders will push through to the other side and lean into the issues rather than fearing them or avoiding them.

When I realized that I had missed some obvious signs when I found out about the young woman’s alcoholism, I felt guilt, sadness, and failure. Many other leaders react similarly when they discover their bias got the best of them. However, they rarely feel comfortable sharing this or even talking through it with a trusted advisor. Imagine a space where senior leaders can openly discuss their biases and how they impact their decisions. Could a place like this exist? I believe it can because I have witnessed it.

So, how do we hold space for leaders to explore and work through their biases? How do we allow them to make the wrong decision, say the wrong thing, or ask a stupid question yet steer them back on track? You can be that person to simply hold space. You can be the one to validate a person while they are being vulnerable. It all begins with vulnerability, openness, listening, and validation. The ultimate leader guides someone from being unaware, through the shame of not knowing, to a place of peace because of their newfound awareness. Be that leader.

Be the leader who is willing to go to that vulnerable space.

Be the leader who holds the space.

Be the leader who helps others grow.

Be the leader who grows.